Are you IN or OUT

Two weeks ago I had an interesting conversation with an ex suitor, and he had mentioned (unprovoked) the red flags he has seen in me that did not make me his kind of 'wifey material' (I also had my own red flags against him. Weirdly enough, we much better as friends). One of the red flags he mentioned, I acknowledged because my friend Lusanda also pointed it, before he did, was that I had a pattern of being off and on in the relationship. It was my go to defense mechanism, my wall I would put up, so as to not be hurt.

'On and Off' in this article means; one minute you are committed/ in, the next moment you are out when squabbles enter the chat. 'On and Off' also relates to romantic relationships (but as you continue to read further you will see it applies to other forms of relationships, such as parent-child relationships, partnerships in the work place, etc).

Me looking from the outside and this being the topic of discussion, I objectively can say, this on and off syndrome is not a good trait to have. it creates uncertainty in your partner about the stability and commitment of the relationship. Such persons, would be (lowkey) a high risk to commit to, just as in business. I have also written in previous posts that on and off relationships most often never result in longevity (there are the rare gems) because of the house being built on sand. I have been on the other shoe and I did not like it being done to me. It made me nervous to not know where I stood with my then partner. Are you in it for the long run or out of convenience?

According to "Rene, Dailey, PHD, an associate professor in the department of communication studies at the University of Texas, Austin", on and off relationships are pretty common (you are not alone), and when interviewees were asked why would they go back, their response would be along the lines of; they struggled to resolve the conflict in their relationship, and would leave, but because of the strong attachment they had to their partners, they would return. Dr Dailey took this and described such people on this kind of relationship as "Those in cyclical relationships might be higher in neuroticism or anxiety about relationships, but it id not a strong link/cling to the idea of 'the one'" (I am glad they clarified that because I do not believe in such, A relationship is something you work towards too in both yourselves as individuals and as partner to each other. Relationships need active people. 'The one' for me, makes relationships seem like a fairy tale and that is BS).

Dr Dailey outlined 4 reasons for these kind of break ups:

1) Communication issues: They do not have strong conflict resolution skills, in turn, separation seems to be the suitable result till things cool off/ when you have sex again and confuse it with feelings.

2) Alternative options: Basically you think the grass is greener on the other side, till you realise that it isn't, and so you go back.

3) Friends/ family do approve: Remember last week's post (The power of two), well it applies here too. You allow for other people's opinion to be a contributing factor on how you make a decision about your relationship.

4) Uncertainty: In the survey, some interviewees reported that "they did not know where the relationship was going or how invested the other person feels.". Dr Dailey explains that these people have lower relationship quality, they feel more uncertainty about the relationship, and they have less love overall for this for their partner.

I am currently unlearning this behaviour by: (this could possibly help you/ a friend)

- By taking 5/ pausing for a second to really process my thoughts and not rushing the thinking process, so as to really think, and ask myself, is breaking up/ cutting of a person a legitimate solution?

- When I have processed and ready to talk and resolve the conflict, I leave my emotions at the door. I don't raise my voice, I don't speak over the other person, I do not disregard their thoughts. In that moment I am respectful, I listen to understand, not to respond, and speak when it is my turn.

- Have someone who can hold you accountable during this unlearning stage of being an on and off person. My friend Lusanda and cousin Sthembile, they are quick with the call out (LOL).

Reference: Birch. J, Repeller, "Are on-again/ off-again relationships the norm", www.repeller.com (accessed 6 October 2021).